It is interesting to look back at how I was as a child and think about the feelings that I never wanted to feel again, which eventually led to me realizing who I am and how I want to be. This post will be revealing as to how I became who I am today.
I remember getting upset when things didn't go my way. This is pretty common for people, and for children especially. However, when I got upset from unideal scenarios, I would yell out that I wanted "the moment before", as in I literally wanted everyone involved in the scenario to reenact what had just happened and play it out the way I originally wanted in my mind. Obviously, my parents and people in general didn't offer that to me, which only made me even more upset. From those experiences and just maturing with age, I learned that you cannot travel back in time, life isn't fair, things just happen sometimes, you get what you get, scenarios don't always play out how you might prefer, and both being upset and yelling tend to only make my life and the scenario worse. Nowadays, I don't get angry at all; I don't see the point. I love being unbothered, indifferent, and nonchalant. I value inner peace and tranquility.
On that note, it is probably clear that I was highly sensitive as a child. With that said, my emotional maturity and my overall maturity seemed to have been older than my peers. Certain things just got to me quite easily. Then when it got to me, I felt all kinds of emotions extremely intensely. I was often angry at the unfairness of the world and even more angry at inequality. I would also get really bothered by any type of slander. Quite frequently, I was upset at what people wanted, how people behaved, as well as what and how people thought, even though those were all out of my control and don’t affect my life for the most part. Since then, I have become only focused on the things that I can control and unbothered by others' thoughts, behaviours, and outlooks (unless they actually interact with me and affect my life).
I also remember an instance where I bit one of my best friend because he wouldn’t tell me something that he had just told my other friends while I was outside the room. What I have come to realize about myself is that I don’t need to know. You can tell me whatever and I’ll listen but I don't feel like I need to know. I am not gonna pry into anything; I am not the person to ask about any private or sensitive topics. I have no desire in your secrets or any gossip. In fact, I realized that I don't have a fear of missing out and don't feel a need to be a part of anything. I know who I am and what I want. Everything I do is what I want to do so I am not missing out on anything. I suppose it is possible that I do have a fear of missing out but I never feel like I am missing out on anything because I am living exactly how I want to live. For example, I don't care for partying or playing video games; instead, I want to sleep early, get up early, have a nice morning workout, and enjoy the sunrise. I hope people get what they want and enjoy what they do, but I am not missing out on anything because I am getting what I want, no matter how great they think their experience is.
At one point, while reflecting, I thought that perhaps I wanted to stand out or wanted attention, but upon further reflection, I realized that I just wanted to figure out who I was, as opposed to just conform to everyone else. It doesn't matter what the norm is, what the trends are, or what traditions exist, I wanted to develop an intimate and nuanced understanding of myself and my profound desires. I suppose the desire to behave like my own person and live in my own way always existed. I figured it out and I also know how I change and develop from each of my new experiences.